Ideas  

Posted by Tyler

One thing that I've noticed about myself is that randomly during the day I might think of a certain line or group of words that sound good to me. The other day actually, I punched two lines into my cell phone because I didn't have a pen or paper at the time but wanted to make sure I remembered them. So today I sat down and decided to write this out based on the lines I had come up with a few days ago. Anyway, here it is. Critique or comment please. Thanks.



Awaken to sirens

Bleating like sheep

Bleeding from beatings

With thick cast-iron tools

Hazy apartment windows

Slam open

Stagnant sweaty air fills nostrils

As moustache curls and eyebrows furrow

Last night’s liquor curdles

In my gut

And I’m puking chunks of pavement onto the floor

Asphalt lungs hacking soot

Fingernails scratching hardwood

Pulling for the phone



Awaken to sirens

Screaming like premature

Infants

And blasting through streets

On rocket thrusters

En-route to infirmary

Stretcher to emergency room

Shouting staff growing hoarse

Demands barking from open mouths

Like wartime sergeant orders

Concrete and organs pour from body

As hands force needles and tools in

Misty purple shroud fills air and

Heavy eyelids slam shut like apartment windows



Awaken to agony

To restraint

To cost of last night’s debauchery

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2012 at 3/21/2012 10:22:00 PM . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

1 comments

This is dark, but interesting. The short choppy lines work for this feel. I think you should add in some more things that he hears that he isn't quite understanding. For example, you have the sirens, I'm pretty sure he'd have a friend around or even just other drunk people so I feel like there would be laughter in the background, which could be an interesting thing to juxtapose with the darkness here.

March 25, 2012 at 2:40 PM

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